I Don't Know Why I Am the Way I Am...

I made a blunder earlier this week which led to Jeff and I having a long talk about how these blunders and lack of change affect his trust in me. He's alone. He depressed. He's losing more and more trust in me (though it might be completely gone now). THEN... *sigh* then I made another, bigger blunder, last night. It just... It feels like there isn't any coming back from this. I forgot. Then misunderstood. But isn't that the story of my life? The road to Hell is paved with good intentions and I'm the foreman of this project. 

Now, when these things happen, I always think of the nice chef's knife I got for Christmas. I think about how sharp it is. I don't think I want to die. But I do think about harming myself. I think about that sharp blade going through my wrist. Not slitting, just going right through. Just laying my hand on the counter and, because it's so nice and sharp, I imagine pushing that knife right through the skin and muscle. Last night was the first time I was in one of these headspaces and I actually picked up the knife. I held the knife in my right hand and pressed the tip into my left wrist. Just enough until I felt a bit of pain. I held the knife there for a moment. Then I just set it down. I know I don't think I truly want to do that to myself. I feel like I deserve the pain though. When I'm numb, like I was last night, I just imagine that pushing that knife through will not hurt. 

I feel numb. I completed the things I absolutely needed to finish and then laid in bed. Somehow, over an hour passed without me noticing. I thought it was just after 11pm but it was 12:45am. I just laid in bed. My heart pounding but I was so tired. I couldn't shut off my brain. 

Jeff quickly wished me luck with moving, which implies I shouldn't expect to hear from him. He did say goodnight and "lu" but he's probably just being polite. I messaged back and told Jeff I don't expect to ever hear from him again. And that's true. I don't deserve his time and energy. He doesn't deserve me constantly stressing him, depressing him, and the mental strain of all my mistakes. I do deserve punishment. I even signed out of my PS account so he wouldn't be tempted to message. I assured him I'll continue the fund, and continue any corresponding on his behalf to ms lawyer lady. But other than that I don't expect anything. And that's true.

I laid in bed and talked to God. I don't even know if I believe that God is actually there. And if He isn't, I'm truly alone. I used to always find solace in feeling like God was always with me. But I'm an idiot so... I am probably just wrong. I asked God why I'm like this. Why I can't seem to change. I tried to listen but there was nothing.

Last December when we had that misunderstanding about me talking to dad - I think something in me died. It's the lowest I thought I'd ever felt. The misunderstanding was on Jeff that time - a rare occurrence. But I sat there, on that train with a roaring migraine, I'm burning up physically, now I'm burning up because of the situation, I was forced to be physically small for hours and hours when I'm unable to actually do that; no water, no real bathroom... An absolute nightmare. But I didn't want to sob uncontrollably on the train. I held everything in. My heart was pounding. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears and see it in my sight. But externally I looked neutral. Like nothing had happened. I felt like my insides were shutting down though. And ever since then... when these things, these blunders... these mistakes... these failings happen... I just feel numb. Like, that I can't believe I'm here again. 

In these instances, I think my body is shutting down in a way. I feel like I'm, internally, on fire. My arms and legs go numb. Like I said, I can see my heartbeat. My body gets so tired and it feels like my brain is trying to shut down. Like an engine that's about to explode but someone is trying to shut everything off before that happens. 

But if my heart exploded, I would feel it was a fitting punishment. Stuff your face for 18yrs and can't get control of yourself then that's just a natural punishment. 

I signed into my PS account today because I do still want to be available to Jeff. I also didn't want to cause him any stress because I was completely gone. I don't want to be gone from his life. But if that's what he decides is best, I won't protest. I'll go numb. I'll continue to be there. He knows it. But I won't be a part of his life. I won't get to know how his health is. I won't get to share in any future wins; because I believe there will be future wins with his health. I won't be privy to any of it though. That's my punishment.

But there was nothing. I knew there wouldn't be anything from Jeff. I don't deserve that, no matter how much I don't want this to be the end. Good intentions and being a nice person don't make up for being a fucking retard. "Villain". "Scoundrel". "Stupid". They all hurt to hear. I didn't used to believe it but I have to now. I keep doing the same things. Not on purpose. That's worse though, right? I'm just naturally a true, disgusting idiot. My physical body is an expression of this. 

Now I'm thinking of the knife again. It's still dirty with onion that I chopped last night. 

I told Silvia today that I truly am an immovable stone. I had EVERY intention of changing for the better this year. I wanted it SO BADLY! I seriously thought I could do it. And I even started out so well and felt so good. And then I saw that all that hard work led to no weight loss. And I got depressed. I derailed. I struggled to get back on the track. The train stopped moving. Now it's broken down and just needs to be demolished. 

I saw myself as rising out of the ashes and becoming a new, better person. I wasn't a Phoenix though, I'm a Dodo. 

I won't continue thinking about the knife for now. I'm going to go to bed. I will continue existing in this disgusting, fat embodiment of my true inner self. I'll move soon. I won't hear from Jeff because I don't deserve it. I'll move into my apartment with no furniture and I will sit in the emptiness that represents my true self. I can feel my heartbeat radiating throughout my body right now. I deserve whatever happens.