Posts

The Call

I saw Jeff for the first time since the blunder. We talked. He was probably nicer than he should have been. I fucking cried like always. He said he wanted to charge me. $150 blunder. Should have been more but i know he is taking into consideration my poverty.  Is this really who you are?  You thought about the knife again. But you just imagined pressing it into your arm.  The feeling subsided by the time I got home.  Jeff told me he was going to talk with his mom about calling the police on the neighbor tonight. I hate that everything is so fucking difficult for Jeff. He can't complain about a noisy, piece of shit neighbor without having a conference with his mom in secret because his dad is a baby.  So I drove one street over and called the cops. I did it for him. I asked him later how his talk with his mom went and he said he had something to tell me... man, I hope it's some good news for him. I hope the cops actually went and shut down the party. He said "I l...

I Don't Know Why I Am the Way I Am...

I made a blunder earlier this week which led to Jeff and I having a long talk about how these blunders and lack of change affect his trust in me. He's alone. He depressed. He's losing more and more trust in me (though it might be completely gone now). THEN... *sigh* then I made another, bigger blunder, last night. It just... It feels like there isn't any coming back from this. I forgot. Then misunderstood. But isn't that the story of my life? The road to Hell is paved with good intentions and I'm the foreman of this project.  Now, when these things happen, I always think of the nice chef's knife I got for Christmas. I think about how sharp it is. I don't think I want to die. But I do think about harming myself. I think about that sharp blade going through my wrist. Not slitting, just going right through. Just laying my hand on the counter and, because it's so nice and sharp, I imagine pushing that knife right through the skin and muscle. Last night was t...